Small Talk: the Underrated Superpower

Did you know that one third of our daily conversation is small talk? Love it or hate it, it’s a big part of your life. What’s more, it’s a wildly underrated superpower we can use to help us reach our goals.

What is small talk?

According to the Cambridge Dictionary, ‘small talk’ is “conversation about things that are not important, often between people who do not know each other well.” For example: “I don’t enjoy parties where I have to make small talk with complete strangers.“ Wow… Small talk really does have a bad reputation.

Naysayers, take a second look: small talk has its roots in phatic communication - a linguistic mode where building a relationship takes centre stage and stating facts or ‘being useful’ becomes less relevant. Small talk is all about establishing a common ground.

Did you know that even in the first few moments of forming a relationship with another person, we sync our speech rhythms, walking patterns and even our breathing to match theirs? Finding common subjects to bond over is a way to ‘sync’ verbally with the other person and get to know them.

Mastered well, small talk is a silver bullet. According to language and communications trainer Dan Bullock, small talk has the power to:

• Break the ice

• Make or break a networking encounter

• Get a relationship back on track

• Build a rapport before a negotiation

Is it just an office thing?

Small talk comes in handy far more often than at the office watercooler during breaktime. In a study by psychologist Elizabeth Dunn, social interactions at a coffee shop with a barista were found to increase feelings of happiness and belonging amongst customers – it’s not too much of a stretch to say that small talk makes the world a better place.

Most friendships start thanks to small talk. According to a 2018 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, it takes 50 hours of interaction before we consider someone a casual friend. A lot of that is small talk, so it pays dividends to get good at it (if you want friends).

That friend you made at that class you went to? It started with a smile… maybe a nod, then a few words exchanged about a safe, shared topic such as the weather or the class itself. The conversation got longer the next time you met and so on, until the topics diversified and became more personal, allowing connections to form at a deeper level. In spite of its bad reputation, small talk is a big part of our lives.

Talk me through the basics

We all learn a version of small talk over the years, but it’s limited to a relatively narrow subset of topics, as it’s rarely a skill we seek to consciously improve upon. Strange, considering we’ve just learnt that it’s the foundation of all our relationships as well as our most important business interactions 🤔.

So how do we do it? Firstly, despite the deceptive name, we need to remember that small talk has two elements: talking and listening.

Let’s start with talking:

When we engage in small talk, we’re looking for the listener to enter a state of “neural coupling”, where their neurons begin to fire in the same patterns as the speaker’s brain. This is achieved by telling stories, specifically stories that highlight common ground between you.

What do you have in common with the speaker?

• Environment

  • weather (is it snowing outside?)

  • The building you’re in (how’s this office compared to yours?)

• Activity

  • Food (are you eating the same thing?)

  • Sport (are you in the same fitness class?)

• Circumstance

  • Lifestage (are you both pregnant, visiting elderly parents, picking up the kids?)

  • Role at work (are you both leaders, sales people, working in tech?)

And with this common ground in mind, what shared values or challenges do you have?

If you both work in tech, you might comment on a newsworthy challenge that’s affecting the industry. If you’re both in the same fitness class, you might exclaim “wow that was tough” and smile at the individual after the class has gone through an especially intense exercise. With food, there’s a perfect opening to drop in: “oh you also enjoy [insert food here 👈🏼].”

You’ll notice that in most unfamiliar situations, you likely cling to the same “safe” small talk territory. For many people, it will be the weather, as it stretches across the broadest swathe of situations. To push yourself out of your small talk comfort zone and train the muscle, ban that category from your repertoire. If your go-to topic is off-limits, you’ll search for common ground elsewhere and likely stumble across more meaningful shared topics.

Now, let’s talk about listening

The key to small talk is active listening. And this is where making small talk interesting or original has power – if you’ve nailed the talking part above and come up with an original statement that bridges the gap between you and your conversation partner, you’re more likely to be listened to than if you idly comment on the weather.

That said, as a good small talker and listener, it’s your job to deeply engage with the speaker even if they idly comment on the weather. Like all active listening, it’s not only about listening, it’s about showing that you’re listening. Do this by keeping your stance open, leaning forwards and relaxing your face, nodding where appropriate.

All good negotiators know that listening is power because of the information it unlocks. And it’s no different when it comes to building relationships: listening to someone’s small talk gives you the fuel you need to quickly build a trusted foundation to your relationship. Simply put, it allows you to take an interest in them and their life. “My dog knocked over a plant pot this morning, would you believe it!” “Oh, you have a dog? What kind?”

The icing on the small talk cake is remembering information. Next time you meet, a quick “how’s your dog? No plant pot fiascos lately I hope?” will light up their brain: “I’m remembered! I’m listened to!” Isn’t that how we all want to feel?

You’ll notice that all the verbal examples in this listening section are questions. These are the small talker’s secret weapon. But not just any questions: this Harvard study suggests asking specific, brief questions and even seeking advice. Asking for help builds a rapport with the individual much more quickly than telling them about yourself and your achievements. “What kind of plants would you say are most dog-proof?”

Level up your small talk

No one likes sub-par small talk and we’ve all been there, on both sides of the equation. Here are three pitfalls to avoid.

1. Cultural faux-pas and unsafe topics An obvious one – so obvious it’s often overlooked. Remember some cultures engage in small talk more readily. Check out this Harvard Business Review article for more context on the topic or read The Culture Map, by Erin Meyer, to learn more about how the cultures you’re interacting with will respond to small talk. Adjust your strategy with care and play it safe by mirroring your conversation partner’s behaviours and erring on the side of “less is more”.

2. Avoid “outsider questions”. Leil Lowndes, author of How to talk to anyone (and I’m sure, queen of small talk) reminds us that the wrong questions can show our ignorance as much as our knowledge. Asking a passionate SCUBA diver: “but aren’t you scared you’ll be eaten by a shark?” only displays the difference between your thinking and theirs – you’ll need to swim a lot further to reach common ground! Instead, consider asking neutral questions: “wow, where have you been SCUBA diving recently?” or even better, “insider questions” such as “how deep have you been?” or “what certifications do you have?”

3. Gossip is not small talk. But it can be tempting. Avoid temptation wherever you can: it builds bridges between you and the individual in the moment, but there’s a high chance it erodes trust long-term: “if he gossips like that about others to my face, what does he say behind my back?”

In the end, it’s all about trust

Trust is the foundation of all relationships. And common ground is fertile soil for the seeds of trust to grow. With that in mind, practising small talk lays the groundwork for topics where there are more important issues at stake. If we work similar jobs and we discover we’re experiencing similar challenges, I am more likely to confide in you about other challenges I’m experiencing. What starts as a smile and a short remark could end in opportunity.

The thing is, the benefits of small talk are rarely immediately visible. It can sometimes feel like an extra effort that leads to intangible results. After what you’ve read today, are you ready to challenge this belief? In my book, it’s worth a shot for two reasons: firstly, the more we practise, the easier it gets and secondly, you never know where an encounter will lead you. What have you got to lose?

Want more? How about diving into:

• What is Active Listening?

• What Does Great Empathy Look Like?

• How to Prepare for 1-1 Catchups