We all have an inner gremlin 👹 that sometimes fails to have our back. But where does it come from? We’re not born with it and it’s not genetic. Research shows “the inner critic develops in childhood as we hear harsh remarks from our parents, caretakers, teachers and peers.” Good to know. Once you’re done pointing the finger at well-intentioned family members, it’s time to stop playing the blame game.

My inner critic drives me nuts 🥜. You too? Join me as I explore how it shows up and what we can do about it.

How does your inner critic show up?

Psychologists have identified 7 types of inner critic. As you take a look at each, you may find repeat offenders show up for you. Understanding the inner critics that are most active in your mind will help you identify their voices in-the-moment. Once you’ve identified them, it’s easier to deal with them. Of course, you may also find your inner critic covers all bases — very efficient. Perhaps it shows up in other ways too? Comment and let me know.

Perfectionist

The perfectionist is an enthusiastic eraser, always ready to change, amend, revise, tweak and polish until something is just perfect. Not only is this an exhausting way to live, it’s also a trap. According to clinical psychotherapist Julie Sweet, the inner perfectionist sees “the world as black or white, only accepting perfection of self.” Perfection is unattainable. So this inner critic sets us up for failure — we can never do or be enough. Is this something you struggle with?

People Pleaser

The people pleaser is a delicious cupcake and everyone wants a piece. It ignores its own needs and instead seeks validation from others, which means it needs to say ‘yes’ a lot, work hard to be liked and be constantly available. Psychologist Nancy Sokarno describes it as “the emotional need to say yes to others, usually at the expense of [the individual’s] own needs”. When was the last time you said ‘no’?

Underminer

The underminer critic uses the spade to dig a hole and sow the seeds of self-doubt. By reducing our self-confidence and self-esteem it ensures we take smaller risks, keep ourselves ‘safe’ and lose belief in our abilities. Coach Chérine Kurdi highlights an unwillingness to “try new activities” as a classic underminer trait.

Destroyer

Unlike the underminer, the destroyer doesn’t beat around the bush. It annihilates your self-esteem at its core, questioning your inner worthiness and your very reason for existing. According to trauma-informed integrative therapist Abby Rawlinson, “it makes you feel inherently flawed and not entitled to basic understanding/respect.” It’s a space of shame and self-loathing — do you find yourself there sometimes?

Guilt Tripper

“An elephant never forgets.” The guilt tripper is an intelligent elephant, always there to remind you of that thing you did and how bad it made someone feel. According to coach Kamini Wood it “keeps you stuck in the past” and punishes you, holding forgiveness just out of arm’s reach. What guilt are you still holding on to?

Controller

The controller causes you to feel bad for the decisions you make, and often blames your lack of willpower. Its criticism creates a constant negative feedback loop, making you feel small and lacking conviction or confidence in your choices. Internal Family Systems therapist Michal Pasterski explains it specialises in controlling “compulsive behaviours such as binging on sweets” and kicks in “when you slip up”. This one is a weighing scale — its very presence in a room reminds us we should care about the number it reveals and change our behaviours accordingly.

Task Master

The task master is your overactive sports whistle, held by a coach who insists you can do 20 more pushups. The task master critic doesn’t accept mediocrity and also doesn’t let you know when enough is enough. Psychotherapist Julie Sweet says it “It wants you to do more, be more, create more, aim for more, more and more and more.” It sees you as inferior to others and encourages you to compete and play to win.

Have your inner critics changed over time? I remember the perfectionist gremlin coming out a lot earlier in life, but it’s now in early retirement and has passed inheritance cash to the people pleaser, who is out in full-force. Equally, the controller has quietened down for me, but the task master is busy building an empire.

How do we deal with this army of critics?

Engage our inner coach. Jane Shure, PhD, LCSW, co-founder of The Resilience Group explains that the Inner Critic “can be calmed by the voice of an Inner Coach.” So how do we develop this inner coach in ourselves?

It starts by accepting ourselves for who we are. Acknowledge the thoughts and feelings you’re having and accept that they will not go away completely. The goal is to quieten the voice.

Psychologists suggest a wide variety of techniques to quieten the voice, because each individual will find something different works for them. I’ve compiled as many as I can here, so you can choose those that resonate and leave the rest.

Give your inner critic an identity

A lot of techniques relate to the idea of identity, as it disarms the critic, separating it from the rest of you and opening up new perspectives. Consider:

• Naming your inner critic

• Giving it an identity you’re familiar with

• Drawing a picture of it

• Giving it an identity of a humorous character to take the edge off their comments

• Empathising with it — it just wants you to succeed and is well-intentioned

If you found inner critic types above that were closely connected to your experience, build identities around those: your taskmaster might show up as a football coach or army officer. You can even use the objects. Imagine your inner perfectionist as an overactive eraser — I’m seeing a hard-working version of the old Microsoft paperclip with eyes… was he ever useful?!

Choose perspective and positivity

If you can’t reason with the inner critic, find an alternative narrative

• Write down things you’re grateful for

• Write the opposite story as a positive statement or affirmation. From “I’m rubbish at my job” to “I’m great at my job and I deserve a promotion”. Then write down fact-based evidence why this could be true.

• See your inner critic as one ‘actor’ on your stage, hogging the limelight. Zoom out and put the spotlight on other actors: what are they saying or doing? Do they agree with your inner critic? Who feels differently?

• Fact-check it. Take the inner critic’s statement and screen it as you would ‘fake news’. How much of what your inner critic has just said is actually true?

Observe from a distance

Once you’ve identified where your inner critic shows up, disarm it using the following techniques:

• Say “thank you, I hear you” to shut it down

• Label it “that’s not me, that’s just my inner critic [or the identity you gave it]”

• Create distance by hearing your inner critic say “I am stupid” and reframing to “my inner critic thinks I am stupid”.

Some of these techniques will conjure up “ah-ha!” moments for you and some will leave you cold. Which two will you try out?

Catch your gremlins in the act

As you move through your day, look out for the task master, the people pleaser and friends. Where are they showing up? How are they affecting you? Before letting the controller get between you and that well-earned cupcake, put your inner critic’s thoughts into perspective.

Becoming conscious of our inner critic is the first step to disarming it.

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Done with gremlins and want more?

How about learning to live with your lizard brain?

Or building trust with help from tomato sauce?

Or this silent but deadly leadership secret.