What Does Great Empathy Look Like?

How to know what to say at a tricky time. And why empathy looks a bit like a parrot.

Ever been in a situation where the right words just don’t come out? Perhaps you’ve been told you “said the wrong thing” but haven’t been given constructive advice on what to say instead? Read on as we explore empathy — what it is and how to show it in challenging situations.

What is Empathy, really?

Empathy is often described as “showing you understand someone’s feelings”, but in most (if not all) cases, this isn’t true. We can never understand how someone feels, because even if we’ve experienced that exact situation before, we feel the feels differently to the next person.

Imagine you overslept your alarm. It added a bit of stress to your day, but after an hour, it quickly passed. Now imagine the same thing happens to a friend, Dimitri. The stress follows Dimitri all day and he attributes several mistakes he made that afternoon at work to the fact he missed his alarm. Whilst you have your own experience of what it feels like to wake up late, it’s not his experience.

What this means is that empathy is all about helping someone feel listened to and understood, not literally understanding them and their plight. This is great news, because it means that even if you don’t understand or you don’t feel the individual’s problem is a big deal, you can still show empathy.

Why is it important to show empathy?

Empathy is essential for building strong relationships. Kim Scott, author of Radical Candor (read a short summary here), talks about “care personally, challenge directly”. Caring personally is another way to think about empathy — as a manager in particular, showing you care is the key to building trust, and trust forms the basis of strong relationships.

In 2021, Forbes named empathy the number one most important leadership skill and Gallup’s research showed that 96% of employees believe empathy is an important tool to enhance employee retention.

What Does Great Empathy Look Like?

The best place to start is with what empathy doesn’t look like. Very often, people attempt to show empathy by invalidating someone’s feelings. This negative implies a malicious intention, but that’s rarely the case. We’re simply conditioned to see people’s experiences in the frame of our own, and that often leads to us accidentally belittling or invalidating their feelings.

Back to Dimitri. He messages you in the morning, upset that he overslept. Your natural reaction might be: “Hey, that’s no big deal! It happened to me recently and I was fine. Don’t stress.” This phrase sounds innocent enough, but instead of helping Dimitri feel understood, it has the opposite effect: he has been told his feelings are not valid, he knows he shouldn’t be stressed, and he stresses all-the-more. He takes on the mantra himself: “come on Dimitri, it’s no big deal! Get on with your day” but somehow the black cloud above his head gets darker and darker.

Invalidating people’s feelings is very common in both personal and professional contexts. If the following phrases sound familiar: “Don’t worry about it!” “You just need to be more resilient” or “You should spend less time overthinking things”, then you recognise invalidation and it fails to make the receiver feel better.

So what can we do instead? We need to let the individual know that their feelings are valid. Even if we feel differently. How do we do that?

1. Be a ParrotListen and repeat or summarise the situation they’ve described. “Oh no! It’s rubbish that you missed your alarm — and you say that made you miss the bus too? What bad luck.”

2. Be SupportiveHelp the receiver by offering active support (another pair of hands, another chat or opportunity to be heard) whilst letting them articulate the solution. “I’m around later if you want to chat”

3. Be PresentFor an in-person conversation, nod, make eye-contact, listen attentively and avoid distractions. If you’re telling someone “this matters to me” but you’re looking at your phone, the listener will not believe your words.

Avoid:

1. Minimising someone’s feelings“That’s no big deal!”

2. Telling them how they should feel or behave“Stop worrying about it so much”

3. Offering unsolicited advice“What I would do if I were you…”

Empathy: A Health Warning

Like all good things, indulge too much and you’re in trouble. It’s the same with empathy — feel it too much and you risk taking on someone’s feelings as your own. This can be draining, and in extreme cases it leads to burnout, especially for carers and medical professionals who are encouraged to show high levels of empathy every day at work.

Check in with yourself and set clear personal boundaries. What level of empathy can you show in a given situation without crossing your boundaries and taking on those feelings yourself? Can you share the situation with someone to help you gain some perspective?

In a Nutshell.

Empathy is about helping people feel understood and is key to building trust and enhancing relationships. The best starting point is to be a parrot, be supportive and be present, whilst maintaining your own boundaries.