The Real Work

I arrived at my first job fresh-faced with no clue how to function in an office environment.

I don’t know what I assumed — perhaps I thought it was like university — you go to lectures and then you head home to your friends.

However it happened, I came into the office on the Monday of my third week and my new boss bristled: “where were you on Saturday night?” “Oh no. The team dinner. I totally forgot!”

At university, if you forget to turn up to one social because you find yourself at another, no one raises an eyebrow. At my new job, eyebrows were most definitely raised.

I rang my sister (the first of many “please help me wise older sister” calls over those first six months) and she let me in on the secret: work socials aren’t optional — especially for newbies.

Ah. And not only did I, the newbie, not go… I forgot to go, leaving my empty seat at the table all night.

Looking back on how long it took me to claw back trust after this incident, two learnings stick out for me. 

First, more often than we realise, relationship-building is the most critical work on our to-do list. As a brand new intern, I could have forgotten any other item on my list that week and it would have been less crucial than the team dinner. Second, from not forgetting dinners to fuelling conversation, memory is a useful tool for building those relationships in more ways than one.

Relationship building IS the work

When we start out, many of us are led to believe that like school and university, our careers are simply about doing the work. But they’re so much more about connecting with others. Our work simply becomes stimulus to start the conversation.

Let’s assume we spend 80% of our time doing the work and 20% of our time building relationships with colleagues, business partners and professional connections.

Paradoxically, the value we seek, whether securing new deals or recognition for a project well-done, is delivered 80% through relationship-building and 20% through the work itself.

If we focus 100% of our time on doing the work, but others don’t feel its impact, we successfully fell a tree in the woods but no one is around to hear the sound. Neglect the work, and we risk losing our jobs, but neglect the relationship building and we stagnate. Such is the power of the paradox — both elements are needed to propel us forward.

There are rare situations where individuals can do their work in a vacuum, but if we want to accomplish more, we need to share what we’re doing and (to use some dreaded corporate jargon) “bring people on the journey”.

The question is: where to start when our to-do list keeps getting longer?

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Memory Matters

The most common barrier to relationship-building at work is “busyness” — yet if 20% of the work (the relationship building) begets 80% of the impact, then it follows that being too busy with work to bother with the 20% is a fool’s errand.

That said, we can maximise micro-moments of relationship building without blocking our calendar for lengthy lunches.

The key? Memory. The power of memory to unlock thoughtful gestures is unrivalled. The more we learn about our colleagues, the more we arm ourselves with powerful ammunition to build better relationships.

I recently discussed with friends whether we find it more powerful when a professional acquaintance remembers our name or remembers a fun fact about us when they meet us for the second time. We all agreed it was the fun fact: “I remember last time we met you mentioned you loved cheese toasties too — had any good ones recently?”

Step 1: Gather Ammunition

Forbes writer Shelley Zalis explains: “there is power in relationships that extends beyond a generic introduction. When you create connections based on shared interests and goals, you’ll be more successful at your job, because people want to work with people they know and like.”

You can’t make thoughtful remarks or gestures if you don’t have a sense of what people want or enjoy in the first place. You need ammunition: where are they going on holiday, what do they like to eat? Some people wear their likes, interests and personalities on their sleeves more than others — here are some ways to tease it out:

Ask people about themselves: whilst this is stating the obvious, the obvious needs to be stated. Lots of us are so wrapped up in our own heads that we are bad about reciprocating with questions. We’ve all been on the receiving end of this and it’s thoroughly unpleasant: “they just talked about themselves for the whole coffee meet!” but it requires a conscious effort to avoid.

Embrace the soft start: busy people are especially reluctant to start a meeting with “small talk”, but after a few exchanges of relevant light conversation (asking questions about them is a good place to start!) it becomes clear it brings light relief and starts the meeting on a positive note.

Look for the light: if you’re not sure how best to connect with someone, try a few different topics of conversation over time and see where their face lights up, then double down on that topic as your starting point for relationship building.

Step 2: Use it or Lose it

The most common mistake many of us make when building relationships is to forget the information we gather in step one. We treat the conversations as in-the-moment small talk and the facts we learn leave our brain as quickly as they enter.

Storing the information (in our brains or as written notes if required) allows us to build lasting relationships, giving us ammunition for meaningful conversations in a week or several months’ time.

The next time we meet someone, we can refer back to topics that bring them joy, connect with them faster and pick up where we left off: “How was your holiday to the Maldives? I remember you were particularly looking forward to the snorkelling. What did you see?”

The more detail, the better.

Zalis advocates for “connectional intelligence” — creating lasting relationships with people through shared experiences, rather than forming surface-level connections. At networking events, one new friend is worth 1000 business cards and every opportunity to leave the office and get to know someone better is an opportunity worth taking.

In short, if you want to show your commitment to the work, start by showing up for the team dinner.

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