Why "Where" Matters

I recently met a friend for coffee in the heart of Singapore’s central business district. I arrived early and squeezed myself into a free seat between occupied tables. Immediately, the ambiance felt stiff and formal. Everyone’s body language was muted and distanced — no one made sweeping gestures or broke out into peals of laughter. I overheard the words “transparency” and “governance” from the table next to me. It felt like a place where conversations would stay structured yet superficial and you’d come away with no idea how the other person was really feeling. I worried I’d chosen the wrong spot.

Luckily, I knew this was a space my conversation partner often spent time. I let him choose the spot he was comfortable with and, unsurprisingly, we had a more comfortable conversation than any of those I’d observed when I first arrived, full of grand hand gestures and loud laughter. Depending on how my conversation companion was feeling in the space, it could have gone very differently.

Pick the Place

How many times have you been unable to fully focus during a conversation because you felt a little … awkward? More often than not, it’s down to the environment we’re in. Austere meeting rooms devoid of natural light don’t make for natural, easy-going conversations. They make us feel guarded, unwilling to open up.

Similarly, a coffee shop where the people next to you are on their best behaviour and can hear your every word doesn’t leave many of us ready to share our most intimate feelings.

Here are some common situations where many of us don’t give particular thought to the place we want to talk, yet the wrong location has the potential to derail the conversation.

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Weekly 1–1 Catchups

My first manager was brilliant at people stuff. When I started having 1–1 catchups with individuals I managed, she gave clear direction: get out of the office. The low-hanging fruit was the office block cafeteria — technically “out of the office” yet the chances of bumping into another colleague meant it wasn’t always as private as would be ideal. Better options were nearby cafés or a walking meeting. It took a little time out of the catch up to get to the office and back, but it meant the conversation was much more productive, as the person could talk freely.

Some managers put the onus on the person they’re managing to find the place — “so, where shall we catch up today?” or worse “did you book us a room?” It’s up to the manager to take the lead based on where they believe the individual will be most comfortable, not the other way around.

If your catchups are virtual, but you’re based in the same city, meeting in person at least once per month or scheduling the catchup on shared “office days” will lead to a richer conversation.

Annual Review Meetings

It’s tempting to think that these meetings have everything to do with the content and nothing to do with the location, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Annual review meetings are high-pressure and the stakes are higher still when either person feels uncomfortable in the space.

Again, it’s up to the manager to pick a place and set the tone for the conversation. Above all, it should be private, but depending on the individual’s temperament, some meeting rooms will be a better choice than others. A large echoing boardroom is usually a poor choice for what’s supposed to be an intimate conversation.

For individuals who respond to “carrots” more than “sticks” (i.e. find it challenging to take criticism and tend to magnify the importance of the “could do better” section of a review) a small room with lots of natural light and a less “heavy” atmosphere would be the ideal choice. Even a private spot in a café if you feel they’ll be comfortable. If you know they won’t want to take notes, a walking meeting might ease the tension. For individuals who tend to brush off critical feedback and need firmer messaging, a more imposing room can help hammer the message home. A walk in the sunshine is certainly not going to cut it — you won’t be able to make direct eye contact and communicate the importance of your points.

Negotiations

For negotiations, the ball is in a different court. In managerial conversations, the power dynamic is known to both sides before the start of the conversation. In a negotiation, it’s never entirely clear which party has the upper hand. When arranging a location, it’s vital to consider whether playing a “home game”, an “away game” or playing on neutral turf would be most appropriate.

A home game means inviting the counterparty to your place of work. This is often used as a tactic to make the “away gamers” feel vulnerable, but this should be balanced with a warm welcome and excellent hospitality.

And if you want to start things off on the right foot, sometimes doing the counterparty a favour and travelling to them (away game for you) scores more points.

In many negotiations, people “split the difference” on location and opt for neutral turf — that way, no one has the upper hand, right?!

We forget that neutral turf should be offered only if there is a promising option: a crowded coffee shop where you can be overheard may not be the right environment for both parties to talk freely. In that scenario, not only does no one have the upper hand, but both are disadvantaged from the get-go.

Next time you’re having an important meeting and you’re busy brainstorming what you’ll say and how you’ll say it, spare a second thought for where you’ll say it best.

I hope you enjoyed this read! These articles are now monthly. If you’d like to hear from me weekly, I invite you to join readers who enjoy my 2-minute mid-week newsletter.